Thursday, March 20, 2008

This just in...

Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites

HOUSTON—According to an official NASA report released Saturday, nearly 32 percent of all prayers exiting Earth are deflected off satellites orbiting the planet—ultimately preventing the discharged requests for divine intervention from ever making it to the Gates of Heaven. "After impact with the satellite, these diverted prayers typically plummet back into the atmosphere, where they either burn up or eventually land, unanswered, in a body of water," the report read in part. "Of the remaining prayers, research confirms 64 percent fail to make it past the stratosphere because they aren't prayed hard enough, 94 percent of those with enough momentum are swallowed by a super massive black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy, and 43 percent are eaten by birds." The report concluded that, of the 170 billion prayers issued last month, one made it to God, whose reply was intercepted by a hurricane and incorrectly delivered to a Nigerian man who reportedly did not know what to do with his brand-new 'Bowflex' machine. original link

What?! My world is falling apart! Is that why I never got my GI-Joe with the kung-fu grip? Damn you NASA! I would be a devout Roman-Catholic to this day if it weren't for your nefarious plans!



Anonymous said...

Wow, I must be gooooooood! I KNOW mine get through! No satellite will stop me I tell you!!!

The ignorance of man makes one weary... *sigh*

SirRobert said...

Now I'm a little scared because I think you are seeing this as a serious article and not the satire The Onion intended it to be!



hoverFrog said...

Does this mean that prayers to Satan are more likely to get through? Maybe they all get eaten by worms.

Anonymous said...

Prayers to Satan always get through. It's a much shorter trip, since he is just a personification of the id. I know him well.